I'm Still Here

So this is a good sign.  I was actually looking forward to writing.  I don't think I've ever felt this self-accepting and confident in myself.  Here are the highlights of today and one from last night:

Jeremy is up in Rochester for a family gathering.  The gathering was supposed to be an outdoor picnic at one of our neice's house, but we had significant rain and winds - even a tornado threat.  Jeremy and I started the morning by having coffee with our neighbors across the hall.  

Just a little segway here:  I have always been the one who has to work or follow through on a community commitment, thereby leaving Dennis to do the entertaining.  But things with Dennis are different now.  Dennis has gotten very involved in Al-Anon, and he had a couple of commitments, so I was able to be the chauffeur. 

The Dralle's would have been VERY disappointed if Jeremy hadn't come over.  They really love him and that's a good feeling.  It was a great start to the day.

From there, we went to Kailee's Garden on Kenwood & Kirkland, where I have many Jeremy-connected transplants.  When he left for Florida, I went to his house and took the sunflower seeds he had (his favorite flower).  I also dug up a daisy bush from his yard.  That original daisy bush has since been split several times, and it is now represented at many places, including my daughter Rachel's, my neighbor's, and more in the garden, because they can replicate like rabbits.

One of the reasons we went to the garden was to see Wayne.  Wayne comes to the garden almost every day, takes pictures (he went to school for photography), relaxes on the bench, and just chills.  Once a week, he takes a picture of something in the garden that stands out to him and sends it to his family. I enjoyed talking with him and, through our talks, learned that he knew Jeremy; they played in the Nate Rawls band together!  Too cool!  

The sunflowers are hysterical.  For a couple of years, they were a spectacular attraction, creating a tall wall on the south fence like non-scary garden guards.  Since then, they, too, have shown up all over the garden in places we definitely didn't plant them; it is SO cool to see them popping up unexpectedly.  Makes my heart smile just picturing them.  It makes my heart giggle to think of all the birds who eat the seeds and then poop them around the garden.

We then went to a Block Party on Chili Ave, but it had been canceled because of the ominous weather, so we headed to the public market.  We had breakfast as it started to pour and lightning flashed, and then stopped to see two vendors who know and love Jeremy.  Then we purchased two watermelons and headed home.

I lent Jeremy the car, and he went to visit two longtime friends.

Dennis and I ended up relaxing at home...a good day all around.  Old people love that.

One very welcome overnight awareness:   I am experiencing a significant drop in cravings around flour and sugar.  It has not been very difficult to stay away from foods that don't really serve me well.  Something is different in my awareness of how vital my body is in pursuing my calling - to Channel Peace.  Mind, BODY, and Soul.  What I hunger for is building my Spirit Life and fulfilling my calling.  I remember envisioning that my Spirit would be the nourishment that I longed for.   For now, I'm going with that. - cuz I am FULL!  Peace:)

Building Trust

That title is actually supposed to be a joke.  My struggles staying current on this blog result in my saying I'm going to mend my ways....and then I don't.  Not a good trust builder.  But something has changed - really!  

In December, exactly 50 years ago, I had a severe car accident.  We (my sister Vivian and my very good friend Cheri) were t-boned.  The sun was in the guy's eyes.  I went there to check that out, and it is very likely the sun was in his eyes (that's a little funny).

Anyhow, I broke 15 bones and collapsed a lung.  I was supposed to die, but I didn't.  I don't know why I like saying that.  Maybe it's because it wasn't my first brush with death, and I was thinking how ironic it is that I'm still here.  I don't question why I'm here anymore.

My father's minister was called in (I have no recollection) and reported back to my father that "She's going to be just fine; she's in there fighting like a Green Bay Backer."  I don't need no stinkin' last rites 😇

Turns out, I was fighting the nurses, and they couldn't give me an intravenous in my arms, so they used my ankles and strapped my arms and legs down.  Now, as a victim of sexual abuse, that's not helpful.  Looking back, I understand my rage.

So the point of all this is:  My family was amazingly supportive as I had to move out of my apartment while they doted on me.  After a few weeks - I think - my memory around the accident has gaps - I was standing in church, looking out the window and asking God why He (I was Presbyterian at the time) wouldn't let me die?  And I had an overwhelming sense that God had something He needed me to do.  So I started my healing process in January of 1976.

I began to feel a sense of worthiness and value that had eluded me all my life.  And within a few months, I was carrying myself differently.  And that's when Dennis and I met, and I captured him using sexual advances - it was magical.  Dennis and I would write letters to each other for a few months.  He would put Black Tie on his envelopes because I loved the smell of it on him; I would be so excited to go to the post office.  I moved to Rochester in the summer...and the rest is history. 

So that was 50 years ago.  I'm 71 years old.  This has been an awesome year of finding out who I am, why I'm here, and what I need to adjust to take on my Calling.  

My Calling is to Channel Peace.  To do that, I have to BE at Peace.  It's actually very nice for me to commit time to making sure I'm right with my Spirit before I greet the world.  Win-win.

So that's all for now.  Nice chatting with you.

Changing Patterns

The pattern I'd like to change is the one where I get all this energy, excitement and commitment around taking action on something that moves my heart ... and then it fizzles. What is up with that!?? I get lots of things done, really!  I'm considered pretty competent, driven, resourceful and capable by my peers and friends.  What happens between the excitement and passion around writing a new blog and the gap that follows before the next one?

I can't keep waiting for a parent-figure to step in and nudge me or send me a reminder that my musing is overdue.  Time to put on the big girl pants and step into my writings with the passion that is constantly bubbling just under the surface.  And the time seems right.  

So many things are going well in my life ... blessings beyond measure.  My husband and I are moving to a larger apartment WITH A BALCONY!  We've loved the apartment experience at our current location and are so excited to be spending this holiday season going through our things - once again - and sorting out what stays, what goes, what we can gift to others, etc.

Our children are spectacular.  Really, they are.  Very good-hearted and coming into their own beings.  Loving.  Very loving.  We've had a significant death in the family and watching the cousins all band together and now connect in support of each other is so heart-warming.

And need I say anything about my exceptionally awesome grandson?  Of course I do!  He changed schools at the beginning of the school year and managed the adjustment so smoothly.  He's a hugger - such warm and loving hugs.  A great sense of humor and an affinity for Old Spice fragrances - LOL.

I LOVE my job - teaching English to refugees and immigrants at OACES.  My students are from all over the world and so interesting.  They're also incredibly respectful of teachers. They call me, "Teacher."  I get to be creative and the learning is definitely a mutual thing.

My organization, ProsperRochester, Inc. has been rebranding itself and a new, involved Board of Directors is pumping life into our direction and capacity.  We are all volunteers and do not tie ourselves to a "bricks and mortar" location, which keeps our expenses at minimum.  We take advantage of the MANY places and resources in the area that are available to all citizens for meetings, gatherings, events, etc. that keep our programming moving forward.  Our passion is respectfully supporting the passion of others by connecting people with resources.

Lastly, I'm not going to tell you about what's been troubling me as of late.  I'm not going to tell you today because I want to commit to coming back within the next couple of days and sharing the challenge I've been having as of late ... a longstanding challenge.  I'll describe it, let you know what I've been doing about it and share the frustration of feeling like I'm back at square one.  Maybe talking about it this way will help me move through it and beyond it. Oh yes, I WILL get beyond it.  I'm sure of that.  And, should any doubt try to sneak in there, I can look back at my constant flow of blessings as a testament that the Big Guy has my back.  Frankly, He's crazy about me :)

Someone Moved the Boxes!

Yes, I know I have not done a good job of regularly blogging. I'm hoping that my new business partner, who is a social media maniac, will inspire me to be more consistent as he puts our organization, ProsperRochester, on the media map.

Now, about the boxes.

I have this straight line of boxes in my head.  Some are filled, some are partially filled, some are almost empty.  They aren't fancy boxes, just clean cardboard boxes.  Each one represents a person or a part my life that I've comfortably compartmentalized and organized logically so that I can manage them.

But the other day, Lo and Behold, someone kicked the damn boxes spilling contents everywhere!  Some of the stuff in one box mixed with the stuff in another box - what a mess!  

I stood there, hands on hips, looking at the boxes and it occurred to me that the people and the things in my life don't belong in boxes.  They do not need to be controlled or "managed."  A little order is useful, but too much order is constricting and fosters inflexibility.  I'm feeling just a little bit excited (and a little nervous) about revisiting the boxes and consciously beginning to empty them, deciding what goes where and whether or not they need to be in boxes at all.

I'll keep you posted.

Get Your Foot Off the Hose!!!

I'm blessed to be surrounded by many earthly beings who offer me books, readings, antecdotes, conversations, and other spiritual support that has been guiding my growth over so many years.

I'm always grateful for visits to my mom when my sister and I travel for 6 hours to visit my other sister and then pick up mom for a "girls' gathering."  The trip is a time for gabbing and catching up, even though my Rochester sister and I are in a women's circle together once week anyway.  We love talking about where we are spiritually and what growth step we're currently engaging in or struggling with.  And we listen to murder mysteries on tape (just so you don't think it's all one big spiritual love-fest).

I'm an extremely visual person; I really think in pictures.  It's a drawback at times when people share information and I can't make the pictures fast enough in my head.  It frustrates the information giver; and it frustrates me because I feel as though I'm a tad "slow."

On this trip, I talked with my sister about a cute little picture I read in one of the books a good friend has shared with me called "Power Through Constructive Thinking" by Emmet Fox.  It talks about a father who is gardening with his daughter (that, alone, is a pretty cool metaphor).  His daughter has gotten excited about using the hose to water the plants.  At some point, the water abrubtly stops and she becomes frustrated and yells for her father's help.  He points out to her that her foot is on the hose, stopping the flow of water.  She steps off and the water flows freely again.  At some point in the afternoon, the same thing happens and Dad has to remind his daughter to get her other foot off the hose so the water can run freely.  

The point being that God's blessings and gifts are like the water flowing from the hose - freely, abundantly, without hesitation - until I step onto the hose.  What does that stepping represent - my doubt, my fears, my insecurity, my distrust, my lack of faith ...  

My sister was cool by adding to the picture words to go with the water coming out of the hose:  abundance, grace, blessings, faith, hope, safety, love, acceptance, all the power I will every need, etc.  I drew a picture of the hose and shot the water up into the air so it's falling all over me.  Hmmmmmmm.  Feel's good.

Just for today, I am becoming very mindful of when I put my foot on the hose and stop the flow.  I plan to do the same tomorrow.

Who Owns the Fence?

I attend a very special meeting every Sunday and am surrounded by love.  Unconditional love.  Accepting love.  Encouraging love.  Just lots of love.  And I leave that meeting every Sunday with new puzzle pieces that put me back together.

Today's puzzle piece came from someone with just two months of sobriety under his belt.   Here's how I integrated his story:

I'm sitting on the fence.  God is on one side of the fence, inviting me over.  I'm interested; a little doubtful about what it means to "join" that side.  On the other side of the fence is the Devil, luring me with things I like, easy ways out, numbness from the pain of reality, illusion.  I shift my gaze from one side to the other.

God calls to me.  I want to go but I worry about the pain of facing truth over there and sitting on the fence feels a little more comfortable at the moment.

The Devil calls to me - asks me what I'm going to do.  I tell him I plan on sitting on the fence just a little longer till I make my decision.  And he says, "I own the fence."

I believe it's time to jump ship - fast.  Answer God's call - NOW.  No more fence sitting.

I Own the Shackles

It has become ultra clear to me that I am the creator and the designer of the immensely heavy shackles I have been wearing on my ankles that have kept me from flying free.  I have been weighed down, locked in place, afraid to move.  Now these are not the type of shackles that stop all movement.  In fact, the fear and terror associated with thinking about the shackles creates an opposite reaction - flightiness, constant avoidant busy-ness, and an inability to "grow roots."   All of these behaviors do not serve me well.

And it occured to me that I can just "step out of" the shackles - I mean, their mine, right?  What a surprise to find out that it was only my mind that kept me in these chains.  No key necessary.  Just a willingness to take the step away from this very familiar place.

God has given me many hints along the way.  I visited Mandela's prison in South Africa in 2006 and took a lot of pictures.  Twenty-seven years of being trapped in a small space, abused, disenfranchised, dismissed, dishonored...undeservedly.

Today, I have several friends who were once incarcerated, some for as many as 30 years.  A real, physical prison.  And they teach me so much.  Like when you step out of the shackles, have a transition plan.  Surround yourself with a circle of friends who have your back and are experienced with stepping away from "prison" and into freedom.  It's very scary.  It's the unknown.  So, on this day of stepping out of my own shackles,  I'm going to walk around with my trusted friends for a bit before I take off and fly, as I was designed to do.