I Own the Shackles

It has become ultra clear to me that I am the creator and the designer of the immensely heavy shackles I have been wearing on my ankles that have kept me from flying free.  I have been weighed down, locked in place, afraid to move.  Now these are not the type of shackles that stop all movement.  In fact, the fear and terror associated with thinking about the shackles creates an opposite reaction - flightiness, constant avoidant busy-ness, and an inability to "grow roots."   All of these behaviors do not serve me well.

And it occured to me that I can just "step out of" the shackles - I mean, their mine, right?  What a surprise to find out that it was only my mind that kept me in these chains.  No key necessary.  Just a willingness to take the step away from this very familiar place.

God has given me many hints along the way.  I visited Mandela's prison in South Africa in 2006 and took a lot of pictures.  Twenty-seven years of being trapped in a small space, abused, disenfranchised, dismissed, dishonored...undeservedly.

Today, I have several friends who were once incarcerated, some for as many as 30 years.  A real, physical prison.  And they teach me so much.  Like when you step out of the shackles, have a transition plan.  Surround yourself with a circle of friends who have your back and are experienced with stepping away from "prison" and into freedom.  It's very scary.  It's the unknown.  So, on this day of stepping out of my own shackles,  I'm going to walk around with my trusted friends for a bit before I take off and fly, as I was designed to do.

Thy Rod & Thy Staff...Can Beat the Crap Out of You

I spent a lot of time integrating the vision of the Shepherd lovingly "guiding" me toward the safety of "the flock."  Really good feeling.  And while I was hanging out with the flock, I was visited by the vision of being trapped in a locked bathroom by a perpetrator who left me with a wide array of feelings that appear to be cellular:  terror, betrayal, distrust, hopelessness, rage, defeat.  And I so want to disconnect from those senses.  I guess recognizing them is the first step.  Their existence is like having thick, heavy manacles attached to my ankles.  Unable to fly.  Stuck.  Afraid.  I'm grateful for the flock for letting me share these remembrances and having compassion for my struggle with them.

And I wonder if, once the manacles have been removed (and I KNOW that they will), will I even know how to fly?

So, I'm peeking out of the flock and it occurs to me that the Shepherd's rod and staff also have another purpose.  And as "the wolf" appears, I see the Shepherd raise his rod and staff and beat the living crap out of the wolf, who has no business being anywhere near His precious flock, and scampers away, tail between his legs, never to return again.  Because the Shepherd's got my back.  Okay, maybe that's not how it goes, but it sure is helping me heal.  So let me have that vision for a while.

Thy Rod and Thy Staff...Comforting

I've had some painful awarenesses and revelations in the last month.  Lots of rage, lots of weeping, periods of despondency, and, thank God, hope.  I've spent all of my life running from these feelings - keeping too busy and indulging in addictive behaviors have been the primary coping mechanisms.  And as I remove all of these shields (that have seemed necessary), I am left with ... me.  Raw, vulnerable, questioning, alone - very alone, despite being surrounded by many.  And the following picture came into my head:

There's this Shepherd with a rod and a staff, kind of nudging me away from the aloneness, the emptiness, and moving me gently toward this flock of warm and fuzzy sheep.  The Shepherd experience has revealed to me two things in particular:

(1)  I have sorely needed the discipline that has been my life over the past year as I removed flour and sugar from my diet (eliminating yet another item on my list of addictive behaviors).  It's taken A LOT of discipline.  But the discipline has come to be comforting as opposed to controlling or punishing.  It identifies the boundaries for me (boundaries have NEVER been something with which I've been familiar) and makes more clear where to be, and where not to be.

(2) Being "inside" the flock is very different than being "around" the flock or "near" the flock.  It's actually safe inside the flock.  Supportive.  An opportunity to "chill" instead of being so gosh darn "busy" all the time.   Flocks rock!

And the flock is where I've needed to be during this little return trip to hell.  I don't have my "drugs" to numb the feelings, obliterate the crappy thinking, stop the cellular hurricanes.  And as one of my sheep reminds me, "The only way to get through hell is to keep on walking."

Movin' On Up

Well, it's been quite some time - four years to be exact, almost to the day.  A lot has happened in those four years (I guess it would be a little sad if nothing had changed).  Actually, my world has changed quite a bit in the last four years, the most significant of which is that I was laid off one year ago from a job at which I worked for 17 1/2 - again, almost to the day.  So my birthday is in February, I stopped blogging four years ago in February, and I got laid off in February.  Hmmmmm.  Data to ponder..

I was laid off at 2:30 in the afternoon on February 8, 2013 on the day of a snow blizzard.  Because they were shutting down the building over the weekend, I was also unable to pack up and bring home  the vast amount of materials, belongings, personal items, awards, equipment, blah blah blah, I had accumulated over those many years, starting at the home office on Jefferson Avenue.  My most prominent thought at the time was, "How the heck am I going to get all this crap home?"

The following day, I called a good friend, Barbara Hoffman, to find out if she might be aware of any storefronts my partners and I (Debbie Bridge & Lisa Barker) might access in order to continue our passion around urban agriculture.  She insisted that I come down - TODAY!  And I did.  She offered us the storefront at 540 W. Main - just like that.  I looked at my watch when she offered me the store; 24 hrs had not yet passed since the lay-off.  I am blown away by the irony of starting a blog about that beautiful, historic "Let's Have Tea" statue in the Susan B. Anthony Square Park four years ago and now having a partnership that is responsible for The Seedfolk Store just a block away from that very statue - just an alley away, really.  Life is so funny.

I have LOTS more to say.  But I'm going to give it to you in little pieces.  Be well.

I'm Innocent

I'm part of a women's empowerment and support network called, Woman Within.  My initial connection with them resulted in my "claiming" my innocence because I was unable to "reclaim" it; I could not remember ever feeling "innocent."  It's taken lots of years and a variety of experiences - light and dark - and I must admit, I was wrong.

I was born innocent.  There was a Light.  It was never extinguished.  Just hidden.  Remember that song, "This Little Light of Mine?"  I sang it to my kids, I sing it to my grandson, and, now, I sing it to me.

Today is definitely my best day ever.

Commitment Issues

I love looking at the Susan B. / Frederick Douglass statue. There's something strong and gentle happening at the same time. It reminds me of the work our women's circle does on expressing feelings. One can be irritated and optimistic at the same time. That's fitting for me as I claim not to have an "inner child," but an "inner city." Lotsa folks in there chattering away with all kinds of thoughts and opinions.

Trying to figure out why I can be so passionate about writing one minute and then abandon it the next. There's a sense of release and comfort that comes from typing out my thoughts. All that busy-ness from inside my head onto the page where it takes on some order. Maybe trying to figure it out is just another way to avoid being.

What's so scary about being? Maybe I should try the statue thing; just sit still and not move. Don't respond. Just absorb the weather. I'm going to give this blog another shot. For my inner city. Maybe we can establish a little order.

If You Spot It, You Got It

There's this "rule" I've come to rely on that, when I first learned about it, really bummed me out. It says that, what I see in others is really in me. So all those resentments and judgments I have about others is really just an indicator of what needs to be healed within me. The good news is that if you are able to spot something positive or attractive in others, you've got it too!

So when I'm sitting back and judging you for rolling your eyes or showing disdain, I need to ask myself, "Where in my life am I impatient or intolerant?" I've come to realize that if I can look at the situation as a tool for identifying the traits I have that need to be addressed, it reduces the animosity I have toward you because you were actually an "awareness gift." I may not like the size of the gift, or the wrapping, but it is a gift nonetheless.

I think of it as my body having emotional "buttons" that people are able to just walk by and press; the result is always me "exploding." Now, if I just roll my eyes, it's a small button. If I want to smack you in the kneecaps with a bat, that would be a big button. However, they are all buttons in need of removing. I don't want to go through life giving you so much power over me. I've removed some buttons and it feels good to just let you be you and me be me.

I thought about all this because I was thinking of having tea with my "enemies." But when all is said and done, if the people I think are my enemies are really disguised gifts who bring me to a higher level of self awareness and peace, are they really "enemies?"