If You Spot It, You Got It

There's this "rule" I've come to rely on that, when I first learned about it, really bummed me out. It says that, what I see in others is really in me. So all those resentments and judgments I have about others is really just an indicator of what needs to be healed within me. The good news is that if you are able to spot something positive or attractive in others, you've got it too!

So when I'm sitting back and judging you for rolling your eyes or showing disdain, I need to ask myself, "Where in my life am I impatient or intolerant?" I've come to realize that if I can look at the situation as a tool for identifying the traits I have that need to be addressed, it reduces the animosity I have toward you because you were actually an "awareness gift." I may not like the size of the gift, or the wrapping, but it is a gift nonetheless.

I think of it as my body having emotional "buttons" that people are able to just walk by and press; the result is always me "exploding." Now, if I just roll my eyes, it's a small button. If I want to smack you in the kneecaps with a bat, that would be a big button. However, they are all buttons in need of removing. I don't want to go through life giving you so much power over me. I've removed some buttons and it feels good to just let you be you and me be me.

I thought about all this because I was thinking of having tea with my "enemies." But when all is said and done, if the people I think are my enemies are really disguised gifts who bring me to a higher level of self awareness and peace, are they really "enemies?"

Soul Connections by Judith Pauly

Another highlight of my San Diego trip last week was being able to sit with Judith Pauly, a leader in the Woman Within International community, for a "Soul Connection" process. Judith created the "Soul Connection" process to help men and women reach a higher ground and experience a new level in forgiveness. Judith believes that forgiveness is the key to freedom (she'll be here at the end of July to offer a workshop called "It's All About the 'F' Words; Moving from Fear to Faith to Forgiveness to Freedom"). I know I'll be there!

What I like is that she's really funny. Hey, if you're going to have to talk about depressing things like abuse, abandonment, trauma, etc., shouldn't there be some room for a big belly laugh?!

I always thought I had forgiven those in my life who were connected to the things in my life I would rather had not happened to me. The time with Judith gently revealed to me resentments I still held and the fears connected to those resentments. More importantly, I was given an opportunity to transform those fears into useful tools for walking through life with confidence and faith.

So what does this have to do with Susan B. and Frederick Douglass? Well, I regularly find myself in a place of being a White woman in a primarily Black environment. My husband is Black; my kids and my grandson are mixed; since leaving my parents' home, I have always worked for an agency connected to minorities and inequality; in New Jersey as part of the Somerset Youth Federation; in Rochester as James McCuller's secretary at Action for a Better Community, Inc.; and today as a Director of Youth and Family Services at SWAN (SouthWest Area Neighborhood Association, Inc.) where I have been for over 10 years. I'm guessing that, especially in the 1800's, it wasn't always a very easy place for a White woman and a Black man to get together to share their thoughts, ambitions and visions.

It's sad that even centuries later, there are still resentments and suspicion surrounding Black/White relationships (even merely social or business relationships). I am finding that it takes a lot of personal excavation, self awareness, and support to walk in integrity and forgiveness when the path gets bumpy. I'm glad I have strong women like Judith in my life; and I'm glad there's a larger-than-life statue in my neighborhood that promotes and celebrates the relationship of a powerful White woman and a powerful Black man and their life-changing contributions to the human race.

(Note: For more info on Judith Pauly, go to www.paulysoulstuff.com.)

10 Empowered Girls in San Diego

What a great week I had! Just the weather alone (balmy low 70's) would make a trip to San Diego a complete vacation, leaving behind the chilly teens of Rochester (I'm talking temperature, of course.) But there was so much more!!

One major highlight was watching 10 young girls transform false beliefs about themselves into positive identity statements. The weekend-long process is full and rich with ritual, journaling, yoga, meditation, affirmation and celebration.

During the celebration, many of the girls "tattooed" themselves with the positive statements they had retrieved for themselves during their work (it was henna, so those messages will be visible for a couple of weeks).

Today, in San Diego, the girls will be honored and celebrated as "Empowered Girls" who now become part of a circle of other girls in San Diego who have shared this same weekend experience.

What I like about EGA (Empowered Girl Alliance) is that empowerment is taken seriously. Generally, the staff to participant ratio is a minimum of 2 staff to 1 participant; in San Diego, it was 3 to 1. Of those thirty staff members, seven were Empowered Girls (EG's); two of them were from the Rochester area. As a Team Leader, I have seen the difference between a weekend without Empowered Girls (the very first weekend) and a weekend with EG's. The difference is striking. The energy is different. The new participants have a sense of comfort knowing that there are girls present, alongside of women, who have participated in the weekend.

The trip to San Diego was extended beyond the weekend because EGA has established a Board of Directors that has representatives from across the United States who are helping to define EGA, its mission, how it can be made available to more young girls, etc. The two EG's from the Rochester area were part of the Board meeting and other discussions around EGA. Their input is valued. Changes have been made to the weekend based on their input.

I think Susan B. would be pleased with the direction in which our young girls are headed. I feel a sense of pride living in the same area that such an icon of women's empowerment lived and fought for women's rights. And I'm excited about extending that energy all over the country!

Empowered Girl Alliance (EGA

I'm sitting in the airport waiting for a flight to San Diego where several of us are on our way to the second EGA weekend for 16 girls who will be stepping into a new awareness about themselves and all the beauty and power within. How can I not think about Susan B. Anthony?

What I like about EGA is its follow through on the "intention" to honor and support girls. Two of our traveling team are girls who have done the EGA weekend; they will be helping us staff, along with a couple of last year's San Diego EG's. The last August weekend in Rochester had several of the EG's who had done the previous August weekend and it was a very rich experience. As a member of the leadership staff, I was enamored with the impact the EG's had on the new girls experiencing the weekend. At one point, an adult tried to encourage one of the girls to join in on one of the activities and was quickly brushed off. Less than one minute later, an EG swooped by and pulled the girl in with an ease of connection that only they could have. It still makes me smile.

I note this because I've come to learn how important follow through is in building relationships. The EG's who experience the weekend are each supported by a mentor who communicates with them regularly. Once a month, all EG's and their mentors get together for a large group activity focused on a variety of personal growth topics and issues. During this group, mentors and EG's split up for part of the time so the EG's can further connect and bond, at the same time that the mentors can connect, problem-solve, relate, etc.

EG's write questions on a slip of paper and put them in a box to preserve anonymity. Questions are pulled out and both EG's and mentors respond.

So I'm feeling pretty good about where I'm going, both today and in my life.

Susan B. and Me

As I was reading the history of Susan B. Anthony, I was thinking about what we might have in common. That could be for two reasons: (1) I'm pretty self-centered and I tend to relate all data to how it might be impacting me (not a very humble perspective and one I'm working on changing) and (2) it leads to building relationships (much like when people with very different backgrounds come to a support group to address an issue they have in common or when a conflict arises and the opposing perspectives are discussed that then reveal some overlapping feelings or positions).

While some of Susan B.'s attributes I can claim right away (she was white, she was a woman, she built bridges, she had a visions of "what could and should be" and acted on them), some are traits I admire and to which I aspire (she was dogged in her pursuit for justice, she was focused, she was clear on her mission).

Another thing that made me giggle a little was that her birthday, which was a day after Frederick Douglass' birthday, is a day before mine. It made me feel "connected" in a way that others might find dismissible but I like to think of as perhaps "prophetic" and "connecting."

It's all really very interesting as I look back over my life with my husband, Dennis. He has always had a feminist energy about him. He frequently identifies situations where women are being mistreated or unequally/unfairly represented. It always seems to be an "out of the blue" thing and I end up cocking my head quizzically and wondering, "Where the heck did THAT come from?" Contrast that with a wife who walked around in shit-kickers, cursing a lot, and a real "I''ll do it myself" attitude. We have always sensed that we both carry a strong energy of the opposite sex within us. Maybe that's why we work so well together. A good Yin/Yang balance.

I like the sense that everything happens at the right time. Knowing Pepsy through his extensive artwork in SouthWest Rochester, knowing Delores through her dedicated push for arts in the inner city, becoming involved in the Empowered Girl Alliance , going on an historical SouthWest Riverfront tour with John Curran that culminated at the "Let's Have Tea" sculpture, watching the "Let's Have Tea" video, and then learning about the "Let's Have Tea" Teacher's Resource Guide and seeing how clearly it ties together issues of conflict resolution, race relations, empowerment, the power of artistic expression, and building relationships that is in its own way unique to SouthWest Rochester. And I live here!!! That rocks.

Props to Kuumba Consultants

Okie dokie. I read the whole "Let's Have Tea" Teacher's Resource Guide beginning with the part where Delores Jackson Radney of Kuumba Consultants was the lead in creating this resource guide. That excites me because she's been so active in the city, and our neighborhood, for many years providing a wide variety of artistic venues for the community (she has made the entertainment at the 19th Ward Square Fair - first Saturday in June - a highlight of the fair). It makes sense that she would be instrumental in this piece of art.

So now I know that there is a resource for taking this resource to a new level. I love it when a plan comes together. Now I can spend my time thinking about all of the things I learned reading through the guide and how they relate to my life in SouthWest Rochester over these 30+ years. And when I use some of the lessons, I'll write about them to let folks know what kind of impact they had, or didn't have. 'Cause it's a blog, for crying out loud; it doesn't need to be anything more than my thoughts and experiences.

So, in the interest of not being too long-winded, which I usually am, especially when I'm passionate about something, I will say goodnight and return tomorrow with more of my thoughts and/or experiences with building bridges and honoring opposing viewpoints.